Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Total break down, shattered, broken into micro pieces, heartache, disappointed - these describe what & who I am right now. If there's one thing I could change when I turn back time, I wish that I weren't born. I know being a muslim, it's wrong of me to feel this way, but I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

If I weren't born,

- I wouldn't be ill
- I wouldn't be unhappy every single day
- I wouldn't cry & crack my brain to deal with the daily problems
- I wouldn't get the ill treatment from people around me
- I wouldn't have to struggle to make ends meet

But to think back again, if I weren't born,

- I couldn't have love my younger siblings like I've always do
- I couldn't enjoy cooking & baking like I've always do
- I couldn't cruise around like I've always do
- I couldn't get married & have children of my own like I've always dream of
- I couldn't fall in love with my 'bestfriend'
- I couldn't learn about Islam, on how peaceful the religion is supposed to be

Every day, I take a closer peek over the ledge of the 20th storey of my designated favourite hot spot when I'm alone. I wonder, how is it to feel the adrenalin air surge towards my face as I try to embrace the ground, emerging from 20th storey high. I do also wonder when is the ideal time to do so.

I do have a family whom I'm unable to get close to. Don't ask me why, it just happen. Why does it seem that everything from them is always right and that people easily trust them. Is it because they are just them and I am just simply me?

December 7th, 2008, marks the most unforgettable day when 4 humble souls cordoned me to a corner, left me no gap to escape nor even breathe. Explanations were taken as excuses. My illness was challenged as fraud. Is it fair to penalise me for not revealing the exact details of my illness? It's happening to me, it's my life, my choice. If you are still in denial stage, you should get a grip of yourself and do not drag me into it. I felt so helpless. At that moment I prayed to god if he could just take me forever on that spot. Why aren't you buying my stories which it wasn't story in the first place? It's facts. And why are you buying their explanations which are stories in nature? ~ " 100% medisave for medical expenditure? Name me a hospital which accepts 100% deduction from medisave. Wouldn't that means lesser people dead from illness or disease from the lower income families?"

I should have just allow them to take legal actions - at least I will be free from my misery and burden which I have been trying to remove long time back. But then again, I will be selfish. What about my lil siblings? Oh god, please give me the strength and courage to fight all these 'demons'.

Perhaps, I should just walk away from everyone and return back to where I belong to.......


Mine :p
I'm touched by the sun kisses & rays.
1:59 PM

[.Her Simple Life.]

. Nur Farhana by name . December by month . Dog by year . Strength by family . Love by Razali . Tranquility by prayers . Indulgence by capabilities . Dreams by career . Stories by blog .

[.Her Indulgence.]

. Her family . Her pure love . Her irresistable people . Her cruising . Her Pink Ettusais powder . Her Kenzo Red Flower . Her four wheels . Her Braun Buffel . Her IKEA Vanilla scented candles . Her bed .

[.Her Ultimatum.]

. Her happiness . Her & his own crib . Her health . Her & his offsprings . Her cash cow .


[.Among the pebbles on the bay.]





[.My Waves.]

. dhilot .
. yun .
. declone .
. aidah .
. diah .
. nurul .
. mr katak .
. mrs katak .
. suhaili .
. atie .
. fizah .



[.My Daily Sunrays.]

. studiofrost .
. papergirls .
. little red heels .
. blessedbeau .
. msmaterialgirl .
. kak ayu's yummies .
. tararoad .
. victoria secret - LADIES only .



[.My Pearlie Finds.]

. versari ade .
. ratu weddings .
. draman & sons .
. luxe nuptials .
. gubahan cinta designs .
. club jazz .
. henna momma.
. miztiq .
. juz favors .
. simply dvine inc .
. simply cupcakes .
. pretty pastries .
. ainon hj sulaiman .
. sri mahligai .
. pixel wave .

[.kudos.]

designer
[anis.]

guardians
[Adobe Photoshop 7.0 - Microsoft Office Picture Manager - Photobucket]





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