[The clock starts ticking, accompanying every beat of my pulse.. Every micro-second counts]

Monday, February 09, 2009

It's fun at times to observe what people do when they are at their wit ends especially those "educated ones" who love to use their power or knowledge into great use - harm and over power other people.

Such great phrases that they use - further disputes or attempt of contact shall be routed to the ATTORNEY.

In other words - please talk to my lawyers.

Well...in this current world, they will win. But underneath all that, they know everything have gone wrong. Totally.

Why?

I have found their mistakes. Alhamdulillah....they have accidentally missed that spot. Technically and luckily, those people accidentally involved are my good colleagues. They have highlighted it to me and thus, highlighted to the higher authority.

I may have lied to myself many a time on myself. But NEVER do I lie to others.

I may have harm myself in the process of something foolish. But NEVER do I harm others, let alone embarassing others.

Remember folks, what goes around, comes around. Your turn will come. Insya'Allah....

I'm touched by the sun kisses & rays.

7:06 PM

Every little things that I've done appeared to be fishy by all. Be it purely innocent behaviours.

Scene 1: I am meddling with time by approximately 10 - 15mins. The carpark unit officer is there checking on the cars on the lower deck. I saw I went up back being the reason I only place the night coupon since it's already 1015pm. I assume the officer have not done her routine checkings on the upper deck. Told sis to go back first but she still stayed waiting at the void deck. Reason being : I DON'T LIKE IT. IT'S FISHY.

I tried to control myself. I recalled: Mistakes will linger in people's mind but not your kindness or efforts.

Scene 2: Tiff with the fockers. Again my behaviours are mis-interpreted.

I controlled again. I recalled: Mistakes will linger in people's mind but not your kindness or efforts.

I've made up my mind. Since I'm not happy at all with my life, why continue. Nevermind of being guilty of breaching my religion rules. I'm returning myself back to HIM. That's all I'm asking for. And so off I'm going to Bintan, retreat in my mind with my current CO and there will I be mortally free forever.

I do not have any regrets.

I'm touched by the sun kisses & rays.

1:32 PM

And for you whom freely give away my bro-in-law's landline freely to a stranger (100% stranger to my bro-in-law), may Allah reward you appropriately. Amin....

My stance - if you are uncertain or do not even know the facts, I suggest you better keep your distance before you drown yourself and trapped into the ravine of 'munafik'. Subhahanallah...

I do no harm towards you.I do no mistake towards you.I raise no "judgements" on you.I do not even know you.

I'm touched by the sun kisses & rays.

10:47 AM

Compare $6000 hard cash friendly loan for emergency purposes, repaid full back after 6 months, to a mere $100, not even a LOAN (for goodness sake!), delayed by about 2 weeks.
$100 for 20 movie tix inclusive of 4 F&B vouchers - to be precise (folks out there, please tell me where else could I get better than these?)

Delayed by about 2 weeks. Chasing people, worse than a loanshark, worse than the bank, worse than anything I could imagine. Even got the cheek to call up my future bro-in-law's residence landline (whom I don't even know at all!). Searching for me, high & low - claiming I owe her $100. And since when do I use her $100 for my own pleasure? It's for her god damn tix!

For you folks who have received the voucher later than 4 weeks, please come forward and shout out how much you spent for the tix. If I'm not wrong, more than $300 right? And do you make any noises? You are as quiet as a mouse to be precise. Tsk tsk tsk....

My conscious is clear.

Just because I seek your help earlier for funds doesn't mean I'm gonna swindle your $100. I need much much more than that. $100? No thank you, I'll pass..

Let me tell you this. If you think you feel so much better by reporting, by all means.
People just doesn't know how & when to react.

But then again, I will never forgive you for obtaining my bro-in-law's no & claiming that I owe you that $100. I never owe you any $ at all. You purchased movie tix which is SO MUCH DAMN LOWER from me, and you've got the cheek to claim I owe you $? Thank you.

Praise to god, you need not went through financial hardship ya?

p/s: Ma, I've learnt my lesson. Stop sharing my benefits to others. I've got to be stingy as of now. For my own & future's sake. I've had enough from them.

JAZAKALLAHU KHAIRAN

I'm touched by the sun kisses & rays.

6:29 PM

I called, she answered.

She called, I answered.

She sounded nice, convincing, fair...but is it for real? Or it's just an act to trap "convicts", as what they have been doing? God knows...

As far as I'm concerned, I do not trust anyone either. I'm being neutral. I have my own faith and I believe in whatever I do. No one is allowed to step their foot in my personal life - over my ;almost dead body' as what Dr. Susan Wong repeatedly knocked these words into my brain. Heh, nice try doc. =)

God, could this be the time to reveal everything? Is it the time to end my misery and resign from my "repeatedly appointed scapegoat" designation? If it is, give me the signs.

Or should I do as always, heed the folks' instruction - admit it as it's yours.

4 more days to go... It's either I will have to lose my 2 only friends..or I will have to lose my estranged family.

Leap of faith of the 20th storey, here I come tonight.....

I'm touched by the sun kisses & rays.

5:32 PM

Total break down, shattered, broken into micro pieces, heartache, disappointed - these describe what & who I am right now. If there's one thing I could change when I turn back time, I wish that I weren't born. I know being a muslim, it's wrong of me to feel this way, but I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

If I weren't born,

- I wouldn't be ill
- I wouldn't be unhappy every single day
- I wouldn't cry & crack my brain to deal with the daily problems
- I wouldn't get the ill treatment from people around me
- I wouldn't have to struggle to make ends meet

But to think back again, if I weren't born,

- I couldn't have love my younger siblings like I've always do
- I couldn't enjoy cooking & baking like I've always do
- I couldn't cruise around like I've always do
- I couldn't get married & have children of my own like I've always dream of
- I couldn't fall in love with my 'bestfriend'
- I couldn't learn about Islam, on how peaceful the religion is supposed to be

Every day, I take a closer peek over the ledge of the 20th storey of my designated favourite hot spot when I'm alone. I wonder, how is it to feel the adrenalin air surge towards my face as I try to embrace the ground, emerging from 20th storey high. I do also wonder when is the ideal time to do so.

I do have a family whom I'm unable to get close to. Don't ask me why, it just happen. Why does it seem that everything from them is always right and that people easily trust them. Is it because they are just them and I am just simply me?

December 7th, 2008, marks the most unforgettable day when 4 humble souls cordoned me to a corner, left me no gap to escape nor even breathe. Explanations were taken as excuses. My illness was challenged as fraud. Is it fair to penalise me for not revealing the exact details of my illness? It's happening to me, it's my life, my choice. If you are still in denial stage, you should get a grip of yourself and do not drag me into it. I felt so helpless. At that moment I prayed to god if he could just take me forever on that spot. Why aren't you buying my stories which it wasn't story in the first place? It's facts. And why are you buying their explanations which are stories in nature? ~ " 100% medisave for medical expenditure? Name me a hospital which accepts 100% deduction from medisave. Wouldn't that means lesser people dead from illness or disease from the lower income families?"

I should have just allow them to take legal actions - at least I will be free from my misery and burden which I have been trying to remove long time back. But then again, I will be selfish. What about my lil siblings? Oh god, please give me the strength and courage to fight all these 'demons'.

Perhaps, I should just walk away from everyone and return back to where I belong to.......

I'm touched by the sun kisses & rays.

1:59 PM

I'm learning to blog! My sayang taught me how to. This is a blog of 2.

And I pray, how I wish she's going to be alright soon. Be healthy by my side though I have heard malicious stories about her from other people. To those who knew Hana, help me to teach those to shut up.

~ Signing off: Ilazar ~

I'm touched by the sun kisses & rays.

1:20 PM

Health check: Deteriorating

Again & again health isn't my bestfriend. It's getting further away each day. Should I blame it all on my career? Well, I've been doing exactly what the doctor told me to...and I can't seem to justify what went wrong or search for any loopholes.

I think I'm gonna get out from my current hell place...erm...should I?

I'm touched by the sun kisses & rays.

12:42 PM